Am I in a Healthy Relationship?

Sometimes it feels impossible to find someone who's right for you - and who thinks you're right for him or her! So when it happens, you're usually so psyched that you don't even mind when your little brother finishes all the ice cream or your English teacher chooses the one day when you didn't do your reading to give you a pop quiz.

It's totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that a relationship isn't as healthy as it should be.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other fabulously. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these qualities:

Mutual respect - Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you're acting like someone you're not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are - for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is and understands - and would never challenge - the other person's boundaries.

Trust - You're talking with a guy from French class, and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him? It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes - jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when he or she feels jealous is what matters. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.

Honesty - This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.

Support - It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can't take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.

Fairness/equality - You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? It's not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.

Separate identities - In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives - your own families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc. - and that shouldn't change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.

Good communication - You've probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don't seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different meanings the little phrase "no, nothing's wrong" can have, depending on who's saying it! But what's important is to ask if you're not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.

What's an Unhealthy Relationship?

A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other - emotionally or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. It's not! Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship. Meanwhile, even though you may feel bad or feel for someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself - it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.

Warning Signs
Here's some scary news: In one survey, 20% of American girls reported having been hit, slapped, or forced into sexual activity by their partners. This stuff happens to guys, too - they are just less likely to report it. And 40% of all teens said they know someone at school who experienced dating violence. So if you think there's no way it could happen to you or someone you know, think again.

Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend:

- get angry when I don't drop everything for him or her?
- criticize the way I look or dress, and say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?
- keep me from seeing friends or from talking to any other guys or girls?
- want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?
- ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?
- try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?

These aren't the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or - this is a big one - harm you physically or sexually, then it's time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on and make sure you're safe. It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything he or she doesn't want to do.

Why Are Some Relationships So Difficult?

Ever heard about how it's hard for someone to love you when you don't love yourself? It's a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems. Your girlfriend or boyfriend isn't there to make you feel good about yourself if you can't do that on your own. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don't take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else's happiness.

What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it may be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for you. Someone who's not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner.

Also, intense relationships can be hard for some teenagers. Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don't have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else's feelings and needs in a close relationship. Don't worry if you're just not ready yet. You will be, and you can take all the time you need.

Ever notice that some teen relationships don't last very long? It's no wonder - you're still growing and changing every day, and it can be tough to put two people together whose identities are both still in the process of forming. You two might seem perfect for each other at first, but that can change. If you try to hold on to the relationship anyway, there's a good chance it will turn sour. Better to part as friends than to stay in something that you've outgrown or that no longer feels right for one or both of you. And before you go looking for amour from that hottie from French class, respect your current beau by breaking things off before you make your move.

Relationships can be one of the best - and most challenging - parts of your world. They can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too. Whether you're single or in a relationship, remember that it's good to be choosy about who you get close to. If you're still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people. Think about the qualities you value in a friendship and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy relationship. Work on developing those good qualities in yourself - they make you a lot more attractive to others. And if you're already part of a pair, make sure the relationship you're in brings out the best in both of you.

Updated and reviewed by: Barbara P. Homeier, MD

Date reviewed: August 2005

Originally reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD

WHAT MAKES AN INJURY UNFORGIVABLE?

Life is filled with all kinds of personal hurts: white lies, broken promises, even physical injuries. Most of the wounds we experience, though, are not unforgivable. We put them behind us and go on. Unforgivable injuries, however, cannot simply be put aside or ignored. They are different from burglaries, muggings, and other attacks by unknown assailants. These damage people, but since they do not involve love, they do not force people to reevaluate their assumptions about love and being loved.

Unforgivable injuries, on the other hand, permanently change the injured parties. There are five major characteristics that make an injury unforgivable:

1. Unforgivable injuries start with a singular event that signals a betrayal.
2. They are initiated by intimate injurers.
3. They are moral wounds; they shatter a person's concept of morality.
4. They assault a person's most fundamental belief systems.
5. They are deeply personal and therefore relative from wounded person to wounded person.

THE AFTERMATH OF INJURY
In the immediate wake of an unforgivable injury, enormous emotional upheaval takes place. There is shock, confusion, disbelief, rage, helplessness, and a kind of terrible impotence. Many wounded people also experience physical disturbance--headaches, sleeplessness, weight loss. Some also drink heavily. The period can last for weeks and even months; but it is entirely normal. Some initial reactions include:

SELF-BLAME: In the aftermath period, injured people are searching for reason. "How could this have happened?" or "What could I have done to prevent this?" are common questions. There is an important, almost universal reason for this reaction: It allows a wounded person to make at least some sense out of a world turned upside-down.
Self-blame gives people hope, because they believe that if they can change themselves, they may be able to prevent the full loss of an unforgivable injury. It also allows them to believe that if they have control over themselves, they can still have some control over the events in their lives.

RAGE: When our beliefs are taken from us, we are filled with wrath. Some people express rage openly and externally; others turn it on themselves.

LOVE: The love fragmented by the wound of an unforgivable injury takes an odd configuration. Permeated with hate, sorrow, guilt, and impotent pain, it still struggles to restore itself into a whole; to survive.

Almost all wounded people continue to love their injurers. Love is, after all, not only a feeling but a habit. For marriage partners, love is supposed to endure beyond times of trouble. Losing your ideals and habits is equivalent to losing yourself. It is hard enough to have been hurt, to have figuratively had a part of yourself blown away. But to give up the remainder of yourself-the love in your heart-is like losing everything. So when people let go of love, they have to feel the full force of an unforgivable injury. They have to grieve over the loss of a history with another person and for a future that will not be. They also have to grieve over the parts of themselves that are gone.

An article from Yahoo!

I'll Be There

When we're down and troubled and we need a helping hand...we often contemplate the meaning of friendship. The common belief is that when times are tough, true friends are there. But I think those times are the easiest tests of a friendship.

In one interesting study on helping, participants were instructed to give a person clues - some easy, others hard - to help that person complete a task. When the task was described as a game, participants gave easier clues to friends than to strangers. However, when the task was presented as serious, participants were more likely to help a stranger than a friend.

Sadly, too often we feel threatened by the successes of our friends, particularly if we are uncomfortable with ourselves. Strangers don't threaten us this way. Moreover, being kind to strangers helps us think well of ourselves and overlook the subtle ways we may have mistreated a friend.

If I am prone to competing with a friend and that friend is in trouble, then, crassly speaking, I am "one up." Anyone who listens to another's woes can feel one up or superior, which is why it is reasonably easy to find a sympathetic ear. This is similar to feeling good when helping someone; the helper is superior to the person in need. My remarks are not meant to belittle the kindnesses we extend to each other in times of need. Instead, they highlight a feature often overlooked when considering a friendship: Can this "friend" be truly happy for us?

It's easy to say, "I'm very happy for you." But how can we tell when the speaker is sincere? We might test this by sharing only good news for a short time. Can this person listen to these details? Is it easy for us to share them? If not, it may be because we are subtly trained to complain. Let me explain by way of example.

I recently went on a wonderful trip that gave me many exciting stories. On the downside, my pocketbook was stolen at the airport on my return home. After my initial negative feelings subsided, I was not as bothered by the theft as one might think, given the way this negative information figured into my stories. I felt some listeners might more easily share my enthusiasm about the trip if they were also given this negative information. But upon reflection, this idea made me sad. I questioned why I exaggerated my bad feelings with some people. It was not premeditated; instead, all of the subtle nonverbal cues I received from them in these few conversations led me in this direction. I did not, however, do this with my closest friends - they were clearly just happy for me.

Reexperiencing our joys in the telling of them should not diminish those joys - it reduces the original experiences. The effect is very subtle: When we complain, the listener seems so comforting that it can be difficult to recognize the negative dynamic that may be operating. The listener, too, may be oblivious given the supportive frame for the consoling interaction. It gives new meaning to the saying, "A friend in need, is a friend in deed." Ironically, the complainer is the friend in deed.

In my view, a real friend can be happy for someone independent of his or her own life experience. We may be able to do this if we don't compete with or envy others. We may also be more likely to put competitiveness and envy aside by recognizing that the relationship is not zero-sum: one winner and one loser. This stance - that the more one has, the less the other has - unwittingly robs both parties. Sharing someone's happiness can be its own positive experience and enable us to enjoy and relive it together. Attention to this mutual, positive need will likely be noticed and, in the long run, better serve the friendship.

Just think about it: Wouldn't it be nice to have a friend, indeed, support this need?

An article from Yahoo!

The body language of cats

Cats make wonderful pets, either for family or someone living alone. Understanding their body language can help you figure out what your pet is thinking.

Dedicated cat owners will tell you that their feline “babies” are expert at communicating their needs (and wants) to their owners. While cat personalities are as diverse as their color patterns, they all share certain types of body language that you can rely upon to help gauge the mood of your favorite feline.

Cats are finicky, not just in their food choices, but also in their people preferences. If they are treated well, most cats will become as attached to their human families as dogs will, and they’ll demonstrate that affection in many small ways. By being alert to the signals your pet is sending to you, you can reinforce these behaviors and create a long and satisfying relationship with your pet. Cat body language is not difficult to interpret, but here’s a little help for beginners.

Arched back – If your cat’s fur is standing on end while he’s arching his back, either something has frightened him, or he’s ready for battle. If an aggressive cat has received enough of a fright, his arched back and fluffed fur is a sign that he will attack. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that your cat won’t bite or scratch you if you try to pick him up when he’s in this mood. Instinct takes over, and he won’t be able to control his fighting impulses even though he’d never scratch or bite his human friend under normal circumstances. If you have to remove him from a dangerous situation, either throw a blanket over him before picking him up or spray him with water from a spray bottle. Do not try to handle him until he calms down. Sometimes cats, especially kittens, will arch their back and fluff their fur in play. Usually when this happens, they’ll do a little dance backwards or sideways on their toes as they try to interest a playmate to join them. An aggressive cat will growl and hiss.

Kneading – Usually accompanied by purring, kneading indicates a contented kitty. Experts say that kneading is a habit leftover from that happy time when your pet was a kitten and kneading stimulated milk flow from the mother cat. Adult cats that are heavily into kneading will sometimes accompany it with drooling and a gentle kicking action of their hind legs.

Leg rubbing – This is the primary and most common display of “I love you” that your cat can bestow upon you. Cats have sebaceous glands on their faces that secrete a distinctive smell, which is undetectable by humans. Your cat is covering you with these pheromones and marking you for her very own. It doesn’t matter if she’s rubbing against your legs or indulging in a little head butting, the process and intent are the same.

Purring – Purring usually is a sign of contentment, but it can mean other things as well. It can be used to comfort in times of stress or pain.

Eye Contact:
- Wide opened eyes show that your cat is alert and interested in his surroundings.
- If he looks directly at you with his eyes half-closed, he’s feeling lovable and wouldn’t mind being petted.
- Eyes opened only to narrow slits show he’s feeling tense about something, possibly an imminent attack from another cat.

Ear Signals:
Perked – If kitty’s ears are up or forward, she’s curious about whatever she’s looking at.
Back – Look out. She is not a happy camper.

Tail Talk:
Quivering – We had a cat once that would back up against us, bump his hip up against us, straighten his tail as high as it would go, stand still and quiver it. Some cat lovers believe this is the best display of affection that your cat can show you.

Twitching – There’s something exciting outside that window. Maybe a bird swooped in close, or a squirrel scampered by. Maybe even another cat or the neighbor’s dog had the nerve to trespass in your yard while your cat was engaged in her favorite pastime, windowsill sitting.

Swishing – Small movements can indicate excitement, similar to twitching, while broad swishing mean she’s annoyed about something. If she’s swishing her tail in an agitated manner, it’s best to leave her alone until she settles down.

Bad Kitty:
Biting – Just because your cat is lying on her back in a spot of sun on the floor doesn’t mean that she would enjoy a tummy rub. Some cats enjoy tummy rubs, but others will grab your hand with their paws and bite. Tummies are sensitive areas for cats, and if you have one that enjoys a good rub, consider it a great compliment that she trusts you with the most vulnerable part of her body.

Scratching – When your cat shreds the curtains or the living room upholstery, most likely she’s not just trying to annoy you. Scratching comes naturally to cats. It’s how they trim their claws in the wild and exercise their back muscles by stretching. Cats love to sit at windows, and often their claws will catch on the draperies. As they try to shake their paw loose, the curtain will suffer for the experience. Vertical blinds can eliminate this problem. They shed cat fur and will move to allow your pet entry to the windowsill. Providing kitty with a sisal or carpet scratch post as soon as you get her will encourage her to use that instead of your furniture when she feels the need to scratch. Some cats will, however, do things to get attention and make a game of running away before you can catch up to them. Try to be consistent and use a water spray bottle to discourage unwanted behavior.

Stalking – If you notice your pet peeking out at you from around a doorway as you walk past, be careful. You’ve been designated the prey for a game of hunting. You can expect a sneak attack from the rear as you walk down the hallway. People with mobility and balance problems need to be extra careful if they discover that their cat enjoys this type of game.

Cats are wonderful creatures and make loving family pets. With a lot of love and a little common sense, you and your cat can enjoy many happy moments together.

(Dedicated this page to Tennoo)