I'll Be There

When we're down and troubled and we need a helping hand...we often contemplate the meaning of friendship. The common belief is that when times are tough, true friends are there. But I think those times are the easiest tests of a friendship.

In one interesting study on helping, participants were instructed to give a person clues - some easy, others hard - to help that person complete a task. When the task was described as a game, participants gave easier clues to friends than to strangers. However, when the task was presented as serious, participants were more likely to help a stranger than a friend.

Sadly, too often we feel threatened by the successes of our friends, particularly if we are uncomfortable with ourselves. Strangers don't threaten us this way. Moreover, being kind to strangers helps us think well of ourselves and overlook the subtle ways we may have mistreated a friend.

If I am prone to competing with a friend and that friend is in trouble, then, crassly speaking, I am "one up." Anyone who listens to another's woes can feel one up or superior, which is why it is reasonably easy to find a sympathetic ear. This is similar to feeling good when helping someone; the helper is superior to the person in need. My remarks are not meant to belittle the kindnesses we extend to each other in times of need. Instead, they highlight a feature often overlooked when considering a friendship: Can this "friend" be truly happy for us?

It's easy to say, "I'm very happy for you." But how can we tell when the speaker is sincere? We might test this by sharing only good news for a short time. Can this person listen to these details? Is it easy for us to share them? If not, it may be because we are subtly trained to complain. Let me explain by way of example.

I recently went on a wonderful trip that gave me many exciting stories. On the downside, my pocketbook was stolen at the airport on my return home. After my initial negative feelings subsided, I was not as bothered by the theft as one might think, given the way this negative information figured into my stories. I felt some listeners might more easily share my enthusiasm about the trip if they were also given this negative information. But upon reflection, this idea made me sad. I questioned why I exaggerated my bad feelings with some people. It was not premeditated; instead, all of the subtle nonverbal cues I received from them in these few conversations led me in this direction. I did not, however, do this with my closest friends - they were clearly just happy for me.

Reexperiencing our joys in the telling of them should not diminish those joys - it reduces the original experiences. The effect is very subtle: When we complain, the listener seems so comforting that it can be difficult to recognize the negative dynamic that may be operating. The listener, too, may be oblivious given the supportive frame for the consoling interaction. It gives new meaning to the saying, "A friend in need, is a friend in deed." Ironically, the complainer is the friend in deed.

In my view, a real friend can be happy for someone independent of his or her own life experience. We may be able to do this if we don't compete with or envy others. We may also be more likely to put competitiveness and envy aside by recognizing that the relationship is not zero-sum: one winner and one loser. This stance - that the more one has, the less the other has - unwittingly robs both parties. Sharing someone's happiness can be its own positive experience and enable us to enjoy and relive it together. Attention to this mutual, positive need will likely be noticed and, in the long run, better serve the friendship.

Just think about it: Wouldn't it be nice to have a friend, indeed, support this need?

An article from Yahoo!